TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
