accomplished twins. life is a go
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
