Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
