Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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