bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
