Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The best revenge is premature balding
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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