i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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