2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't turn off my feet"
Randomize
