matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
