; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
