i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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