i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
