idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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