im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
