dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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