it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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