every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
