I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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