I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
