why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
