I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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