Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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