You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
