I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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