I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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