hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
