I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You ruined the universe
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
