listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
