Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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