I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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