Moan for me like Helen Keller
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
