Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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