I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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