I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
