Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
