I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
