I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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