We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize