Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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