She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
