how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
