Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
