did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
