So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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