i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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