There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
