Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
These tits shall not be calmed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize