Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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