i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize