i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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