My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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