You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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