she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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