i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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