youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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