I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
