I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize