it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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