hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
