Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
