you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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